The lack of posts reflects a lack of regular Internet connectivity; I guess I should get used to it. I want so badly to blog right now. About the wonderful morning at church, the message, the prayers, the encouragement, those surrounding me in support. About the incredibly broken conversation I had with Stina tonight, full of shared tears and truth. About my qualms and uneasiness going into this, on my last night here at home. I wish I could express both the grattitude of my heart, and the stark contrast of it's extreme brokenness. But in congruence with the brevity in my conversations here as of late, as time is of the essence and fleeting far to fast, I can't even comprehend delving into the emotions of my heart right now. And I'm not sure I'll even have time to do it tomorrow before I go, or in my late-night airport layover in Ft. Laudy before landing in Port-au-Prince Tuesday morning. I do promise you I will take advantage of the meager three hours of flight in the next 36 to fill you in on my momentary emotions and thoughts.

Thank you all again for your tremedous amount of support, encouragement and blessing. I couldn't do this without you.

Glory to Him,
xoxo

Computers packed so this is via text. My last night in my bed. In my room. In Nashville. With my roommates.

I don't like that.

But I'm excited. This is something both God inspired and Rhi desired. I've always wanted to live abroad. To use my French. To teach. To be a missionary. God is fulfilling my dreams while using me to fulfill a purpose and felt need in others lives. I'm thrilled to do this. It's just hard to see that through the chaos and breakdowns and goodbyes right now.

Thank you for your encouragement. Your sweet prayers. And your altogether generous donations; including two in the past two days from very unsuspecting people whom I hardly know but the Lord moved in their heart and they asked to contribute. God blows me away. In all seriousness. Especially in the ways you least expect His faithfulness to show up. Thank you so much for being a part of this. For enabling me to do something that to some, might be risky or brave or a challenge; to others exciting and new and a wonderful opportunity. But to me, an act of obedience to the perfect, timely will of God.

p. diddy, prayer daddy

ever had one of those days?

let's just call that today.

i woke up to the email/ywam fiasco. found out i have to raise an additional $600-$1,200 (which will depend on if it covers my rent or not) on top of the $3,000 i already need to raise. i threw myself together for subbing after trying to get all those emails re-sent through my frustration. i had a flat tire. i drove on flat tire, got to the gas station a mile away to pump air. i opened my door as the heavens opened the snow-gates. blizzard in my face, much!? i pick the kids up from the caf, and boy were they crazy! so sweet, but so not on a behavior plan of any kind. got another email. she got my old emails. but still asked for info that i sent this morning. found out as i'm leaving, athens got a call from guy fieri's people for diners, drive-in's and dives (if you know me, you know i'm OBSESSED with the Food Network, and missing this is like missing the birth of my first born. oh yeah. totes possible). got a picture mail of one of my support letters completely sabotaged by the postal service; virtually torn in half and missing a huge chunk. got my mail; sans a package i've been waiting for with a lofty (read: nearly as much as has been donated total) donation from my dad and his girlfriend since saturday. putting a stop payment on that now.

it could be worse. it could be way worse. and i don't want to wallow in my worries at all. i want to name them all, and say, in my best p. diddy impression "can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down, oh no. i've got to keep on movin'."

trusting,

xoxo

prayers welcomed!

okay, ya'll. when getting prepared for something big and exciting, whether its in a movie or book or real life, it seems like there's always that one thing that comes up. well, that one thing just happened.

i finally got a response to my emails that i sent on thursday to ywam. okay, their busy, it's haiti, internet might not be stable, i get it. but this is sort of time sensitive.

then they tell me that they never received my application, which was split into two emails. there's no way that the emails never made it to their inbox. overlooked, maybe. accidently deleted, okay. but i sent them. and resent them with their time stamp, today.

then, very contrary to the initial email with the expenses, she told me there was an additional $300 MONTHLY staff fee that we hadn't discussed. thats an additional $1200 that i have no idea how i'm going to come up with, considering i still have yet to get close to my original goal of $3000. now i have to aim for $4200?!

if i was living here, my expenses would be about that much. and i would be making $3,000 a month as a teacher, which to a post-grad, its like becoming a millionaire.

but i can't let all of that get in the way of what it is i'm going to do. what it is i feel called to do. was there a contingency clause on God's plan saying go to haiti, as long as it seems reasonably inexpensive. no. i wish there was, but there wasn't. this call was to go and to give up comfort, to make sacrifices, and to really trust that this is what God has for me, and He's going to provide. i'm getting straight up discouraged through my frustration right now; but, i feel like its justified.

and i don't want to. i want to be able to say God will provide, and i just need to chill out. but when you so badly want to be justified about something, you don't want to chill out. you want to vent and type furiously. so please pray with me that i don't let this discourage me. that i still trust solely in the Lord to provide in excess of what i was already believing Him for, and that God is able to calm my frustrations and replace it with the excitement that was there just moments before reading that email.

addendum: i will not be bringing my robe.

i will, however, be bringing everything i will need within the next four months, with me. in this bag to the left. clothes, shoes, toiletries, snacks, towels, hair products (note to self: don't forget blowdryer. vain, i know). you name it, its in this bag.

i have 16 pairs of pants/shorts/skirts; most of which are cotton or linen; all of which folded nice and neat into one little pile.

sorry that i'm dwelling on the size of this bag. i'm just astonished that it's only tuesday and i'm about 90% packed and that i fit 4 months worth of my life into one bag. its amazing what we can do when we learn to/are forced to simplify.

***

those of you that have made contributions to this 'trip' (what should i call it? my mission? my job? my income for the next four months?), one HUGE, gracious THANK YOU. Seriously, I know its hard to convey via this measly little blog, but ya'll bless my heart, and my opportunity, in such a large way. i can not get over your generosity and encouraging words. and because of you, this trip is possible. i love to think that the Lord has used each of you in blessing me. each of you are showing up as the provision of the Lord, so that together, we can be his hands and feet. that makes my heart smile, and i really think it makes His smile, too :)

this time, next week, i'll be falling asleep in a new bed, in a new room, in a new land, but under the same loving hand of our Father. that comforts me so much to know that amidst the chaos, He'll be there. and i pray ya'll will be too!

***

subbing tomorrow, so need to keep this short. i wish i could leave you with a special thought or quote or verse, but nothing immediately comes to mind. i will ask that you pray for my transition; that it is seamless and the Lord works out the details (like, the ones i have yet to hear back about: airport situation, questions about curriculum, availability of goods). pray for my travels, that i'm able to spend a lot of time in prayer and with the Lord throughout my long delayed journey, and that i arrive safely and timely to PaP, and to the YWAM base.

je t'aime et bonne nuit.

xoxo

precrastapacker...?

... but i've already started packing for haiti; four days ahead of time! it was, dare i say, not even stressful...? maybe because my packing usually consists of a hasty, last-minute attempt at matching the perfect outfit, the right shoes, the best accessories, etc. and maybe because i'm a little limited to both the quantity of what i can bring, but also to the 95-degrees-and-no-air-conditioning threshold of what is left in my closet. i've never had to dress summer-professional, or even summer-conservative, so that was a little tricky, but i think i managed to get all of my clothes pairing/packing out of the way tonight. (i'm really impressed in case you couldn't tell).

the non-clothing items (see picture on the right), are proving a little more tasking as i compile a list. fortunately, most of these things are small: toothpaste/toothbrush,

razors, deodorant, sunscreen and the like... but then there are the pesky pillow, sheet sets, and towels. but, if there's room, i'm bringing my robe. and no that's not up for debate. shared bathroom, shared living space, and not being able to wear shorts above the knees (read: i am taking my robe.)

cara took me out for a going away dinner tonight, and it made me realize how real this is. it's going to be so weird not living with her anymore. not going out to dinner, or watching house or grey's, or eating tons of chocolate. (ps. total deja vu right now as i sit her typing this on the couch watching the news. and that never happens. odd).

what i'm trying to get at, is life is about to change in so many ways. i think a lot is told just in when and how i say "i can't believe i'm going," or "i can't believe i'm leaving." i find myself using the two interchangeably, but my forefront feelings tend to denote which one becomes the current operative word.

this is all too insane. lots to be done, packing the clothes was not even half the battle. tackling this list is going to be difficult. but leaving so many people and so much i love?! let's just say its going to be a very long car ride to Florida.

tickets booked!

talk about a feeling of commitment. i just booked my tickets.

and let me tell you about what an ordeal just flying there is going to be.

first, i drive 12 hours home to palmetto. for less than 48 hours. then, i drive 1.5 hours to orlando, because there are no flights out of tampa. then i fly less than an hour to fort lauderdale, where i have a 12-hour layover, overnight, before leaving to fly to haiti.

and who knows what even happens once i get there. i haven't gotten word yet on if anyone can pick me up. actually, i don't even know how i'm going to get to orlando in the first place... this is going to be a very interesting trip.

did i mention, i'm limited to one checked bag? for four months? i don't even know how i'm gunna work that one out; but i even tried seeing if i could book two seats and get an extra luggage. the rep didn't seem humored by my question; but nither was i joking.

its setting in...

ya'll seriously. blow. me. away!!!

if i wasn't sure of this decision before, you have definitely done your part to make me feel confident and excited to go. i am really blessed to have the community of people rally around me in support that i do. the words of encouragement have done just that. this is definitely a really scary thing for me to do right now, and something that is going to rip away every comfort i know; especially the one i've come to need the most-- comfort from community.

i'm terrified to go and feel so alone, as i'm sure i'm going to experience. but with the way ya'll have already been supporting me, i know i'm not going this alone. thank you for your outpouring of love and kind words. just knowing i have your thoughts and prayers behind me on this journey has already made such a difference in my level of confidence.

i'll admit, sending that support letter just 24 hours ago made this began to feel real. i'm really doing this; i'm really telling people about this. i'm really starting to raise support. i'm really booking my tickets. i can't believe it.

but even the God-centered-ness i notice consuming every conversation started asking me about the journey reminds me both why and how i'm even able to do this.

***

i just came home from a really great night in nashville with good friends, and i'm reminded just how much i am going to miss nashville and my life here. although with all the life changes i've undergone since the new year set in, i still know i am going to miss whatever semblance of contentment, comfort, and constancy has managed to remain. when God strips you bare, He really does do the whole job. i'm not sure if i'm glad for that.

i know how bad all the change from just last year to this has hurt; how painfully hard its been to endure. and i know i'm headed into this with literally every aspect of my life changing: new job, new home, new country, new culture, new language, new roommate, new rules, new routine, new responsibilities, new budget, new surrounds, new community, new foods, ... the list could go on and on. i admit, i am terrified of all this new at once. i like my change to happen slowly, like a deep tan after the first summer's burn.

***

you're encouragement keeps me going. my memories and longing to remain comfortable tie my heart. i'm excited to go, but sad to be gone. ambivalence is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

the journey begins in the heart

okay friends. i am about to get real on a whole new level. and i'm scared to do that. because once these words leave my mouth-- er, fingertips-- they become real. and that, is scary. enough weed whacking or whatever (beating around the bush, there it comes. i'm a little slow these days). here goes.

i might go to teach in Haiti.

and i leave all those lines for the deep exhale i have to take to even type such a thing. it sounds absurd. and crazy. and ...what?! trust me, i know. i think those every time since this crossed my mind a few days ago. its a long story, and, although its not likely featured on E! news, you can read it here.

*preface* this is the first time i've put this out there. i've only spoken these thoughts to two people, and not even in great detail. so bear with me as i orchestrate my thoughts. also, please please please do not be offended if this is how you find out. in fact, feel honored that i'm allowing (wow, that sounds prideful-- totally not meant to) you to share in these intimate thoughts and prayers between me and the Lord. i contemplated keeping it a complete secret until i felt an answer one way or another, and i've done that in other situations where its been perfect and right. but with this one, i think accountability is a big thing. i feel like the less i talk about it, the less likely i am to actually do it. so i do plan on talking about it, and soon, but i just need to give God time to get there.

***

a few days ago, while refreshing the sub-finder page, oh, 3940845 times, i started looking on craigslist. under anything and everything. i wound up looking at costa rica, where my dad has a place. i saw a few teaching opportunities and thought, well, i could do that if nothing comes up. at least i'd get experience. talking to my roommates the next morning, they both said they could see me do something like that.

fast-forward, quite slowly however, and i wound up googling international opportunities. on an ESL mecca site, i saw a post for teaching in Haiti. and thats when i felt like one of those tomato trucks from palmetto slammed right into me. duh. haiti.

i began praying about it, and spent the majority of yesterday researching, praying, and starting to fill out an application. i thought i must be crazy, but this is why it makes sense:

since i started blogging after i returned to nashville from arkansas, i've deemed this period in my life as "the waiting time" or some close synonym. i've said that even though frustrating, i feel like the Lord purposed this time in my life; that i'm being forced to be still against my will, and trying to learn everything he's teaching me through this. i feel like had this waiting time not been taking over my life, i would have missed this. the standstill allowed for me to focus my attention on whatever His call may be, and to not have any excuse (i'm still in school; i just got a new job; i'm waiting to hear back about an offer; i've got this commitment) to NOT go.

i began thinking about what i would be comfortable doing time-wise. i know its not about comfort, but i do know this is not a full-time call, nor have i ever felt led that way with any of my trips. so practicality-wise, i was feeling like through june. which gives me a chance to get back, and hopefully interview for positions here during july. and it gives me experience teaching, something i'm having a really difficult time getting here.

right now, i'm in the process of figuring it out. i want to make sure that this is what God wants, and isn't any form of me taking the easy way (really?) out, or running from dealing with life (pouvons-nous dire Paris?) or any form of mal-intention. in praying, or whatever that was, earlier i kinda just said to God- first, if this wasn't right, you wouldn't let me go. and secondly, if isn't the best of what you had for me, going to serve can never be bad... right?

it's all very surreal typing this and knowing people are going to read it and its going to become real. i want to talk to you all about it; trust me. and please please please don't take offense. i haven't even mentioned it to my mom (whom i talked to for the first time since i left to go to arkansas, and i have yet to even mention the break up to her; it don't want her to worry about me. because she does; a lot. that's an entire other blog). in fact, the first person i even made mention to, was someone i've only met once, and through facebook. i just read yesterday that she is going to do something similar and i was asking for her details.

i can't say one way or another if this is something that is going to happen. at this point, its just a prayer. i've got an application to send in, i'm waiting to hear back from another outlet in Haiti that i've contacted via YWAM, and am waiting for details about another school on the island when the teacher gets there in a week. i am just saying that i am open to going where i feel led by the Lord. after all, thats how i ended up in Nashville.

the big things i need prayer on right now are: details and finances. i will likely be raising support; which means humbly asking my friends and contacts to provide my income. i will have bills back here to be paid while i'm gone; but to be honest, i'm really just trusting God with it and don't seem too worried. i'm humbled to think of having to raise support through june, and feel like the way i need to approach that is to just seek a small monthly contribution, like $5 a month pledge of financial support to earn a living while i'm there. i also need prayer for direction. if God leads me to an opportunity here, then thats great. and if i feel like it is right, i'll accept it. i have in no way felt committed to this idea yet. i'm just making sure i'm free to go where God leads.

thank you so so so much for your prayers, and if you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to leave them here. i will definitely be keeping everyone posted. remind me to just breathe.