...maybe i'm wrong

i’m sitting on the plane, about halfway to miami. i have the headache of the century and lower back pains that i’ve never experienced before. leaving has literally made me sick. i’ve cried a multitude of times today, typically in small intervals, but they come on strong.

saying our goodbyes at the orphanage, i got to say goodbye to Joshua, who was in St. Marc when i got there, left for almost two months, and has since returned for almost 2 months, although he has been in Port-au-Prince for a little over a week to help train Ethan to be in charge of the kitchen for mission adventures this summer. after we climbed into the back of the teecan, he came over and said he had a word for us. he wanted to encourage us; how everyone prays that the change would begin with this generation, and we are doing just that, impacting this generation for this nation. that the relationships we’ve established with the children, and even with the people on base, will change lives. how he has seen the change from the beginning, how the teachers that have been there since the beginning have made such progress in the lives of these children, and reassured me, that i, too, have impacted there lives so much. i started to get choked up as he was talking, soaking in the encouragement as it was offered to me. jay started up the teecan, i gave joshua a hug, and as we began backing up, i started to lose it.

as we turned out of the long drive from the orphanage onto the alley road, i put on my sunglasses and sobbed silently, literally leaving haiti behind in the dust. as i thought about the words that joshua spoke over us, i couldn’t help but feel like that in my lack of emotion (or inability to process it), God just wanted to encourage use others to encourage me. i was spent; and i’ve had a real hard time even trying to talk to God, let alone even talk to the people around me. ya’ll know that i will strike up a conversation with anyone, friend or stranger, but i just haven’t even had the energy. God knows this. and i think He’s said, thats okay. just be. let me take care of all of this. don’t rush your emotion.

in that moment, realizing my stress-induced stomach pain and mental fog, i realized this: i was constipated. not just the can’t-use-the-bathroom constipation, but the mental, spiritual block that i can’t manage to process anything. i can’t force any words or thoughts or prayers out, no matter how hard i try to squeeze. ya’ll, i’ve never been constipated before; either physically or emotionally. but let me tell you, as of today, i have discovered that they might be the most painfully frustrating things in the world to deal with, especially simultaneously.

arriving at the airport, i was already alone. alone is not a word that i’ve been able t to illustrate much, if at all, in the past 4 months. although at times i felt somewhat constrained by the thoughts of always being surrounded by no-less-than 100 of your yet-to-be closest friends, i almost felt somewhat imprisoned by my newfound loneliness.

saying goodbye to stacia and anne after receiving my boarding pass wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t nearly as hard as i had thought it would be. i will miss them dearly, especially my lovely roommate anne. at the tender age of 21, and the roots of a pennsylvania farm girl, her innocence and acceptance nature was so refreshing. growing up mennonite, her heart and faith have been radically changed by her experience in haiti; and i’ve been so blessed to have gotten to know her. i know home for her is going to be a hard transition, but i see the strength she has in the Lord, and i know He will give her the courage and boldness to step out in faith, even at the cock-eyed look of members of her community and church.

after making it up through security, i sat on the brink of tears quite a few times while waiting for my flight. but none as crippling as walking through that gate and waiting in limbo before boarding the aircraft. the second i made it past the attendant, i burst into tears, putting my glasses on in the dark hallway as a futile and obvious attempt at hiding my emotion. i still can’t tell you what i was thinking or feeling, as much of this day has been a total blur. but the reality of leaving haiti became real.

as we lifted off the tarmac, my eyes again filled with tears. wanting to stick my heels through the floor of the plane and literally have them take me out of the country with my feet dragging, i curled up under my blanket in my aisle seat and drifted in and out of a light consciousness-- God’s attempt at giving me peace in my restlessness.

i journaled a bit throughout the flight, browsed some pictures, and shared some stories with the two ladies seated in my row. i had a diet coke, with ice, and some crackers; an ironic, personal metaphor to my feet in both worlds. de-boarding, i held my composure long enough to make it out of the gate and up the escalator before having a near-anxiety attack that sent me seeking refuge in the restroom. i felt so lost and overwhelmed; i couldn’t believe i was on US soil again. the culture shock was the most real thing i have felt in days., in the midst of the surreal denial that my time in Haiti was ending and i was, indeed, homeward bound. the overstimulation of impersonal contact-- as thousands of people scrambled about around me, but with no true interaction-- was so hard on my heart as well as my eyes. i tried to comfort myself with a sandwich stuffed with fresh veggies as subway in the terminal, but even the thought of choices and variety overwhelmed me into oblivian, and it took a good 5 minutes before i could even order. even with spinach leaves, olives, wheat bread, and turkey, i’m missing haiti in the worst of ways.

***

as we lift off the tarmac, tents and tarps have been replaced with the cookie-cutter communities and corporate america. their roofs, intact; the streets, identifiable grid-systems linking baseball diamonds with football fields, shopping malls with high-rise plazas. spanish instructions have replaced the french and creole, and is as dissonant to my ears as my feelings on leaving hating/reentering the states are to my heart. with every inhale, the pain in my lower back increases. i realize the dust that once clouded my lungs as been replaced with clean, fresh, cold air; but it doesn’t refresh my soul as i once thought it would.

readjusting is going to take time.

maybe i'm leaving...

i’m currently sitting, sweating, on a mattress on the floor of the YWAM PaP base. the fan blowing on me just got unplugged for a lady to plug in her computer. outside, i hear the children of the orphanage already up and running around the playground with careless joy for the day. in the distance, another plane lands on the airstrip of Tuissant Louverture just a few miles away. the skies are clear, but in my head is the worst fog i’ve experienced in a long while.

it began yesterday morning, saying our goodbyes in st. marc. i woke up at 4:25, got out of bed a little later and went for a morning swim with the sunrise. the pool was surprisingly warmer than the now-cool 83-and-dark-ness of the dawn. i prayed and thanked God for my time in St. Marc, asking Him to continue the work He’s started in me here; among other things. i showered at the pool, and headed home to change and load my bags for our 5:30 departure.

walking down to base, the only thing thicker than the swarm of mozzis, was the swarm of people and their sincere love in their goodbyes, especially at 5:30 (which i’ve decided, isn’t really that early anymore, especially when it’s already bright as mid-day). but goodbyes, even in the thick of love and thankfulness, are never easy.

i will miss each one of these people for so many more reasons than i can manage to communicate, especially right now. i will miss Sarah, my one-on-one and fellow teacher, for our many moments of bonding over challenges and ridiculous norms of life. i don’t consider myself a funny person, but i could always make her laugh at my simple nuances. i will miss Bryan (hereon: B Rock) for his ever-joyful personality, his sarcastic, witty, borderline-naive sense about him, even for his eclectic taste in music (k.c. and jojo to miley cyrus to justin beiber to rascal flatts to ludacris). i will miss hearing Ben say “Come on!!!” and “Nike, just do it!” or “weeiirrrddd!”. I will miss his voice leading worship and his generous encouragement and positive outlook. i’ll miss the never-complaining, never-negative spirit of J Ruggs (Jesse needed a nickname) as he always greeted everyone with a smile and likely never knew a stranger.

i could, and would go on, and on, and on, save for the fact i would likely burst into tears at any given moment. each person here has touched my life in such a way that i will desperately miss their quirks and the way they each contributed to just my every normal day.

saying goodbye to philipson, i found out that he was actually going to come with us (me, jenna, anne, stacia, lisa and ronald) to Port-au-Prince to see us off. as i got on the bus after dishing out hugs like candy on halloween, i didn’t turn around to look back. it would be way too hard after my goodbyes. although i didn’t cry, my body (already exhausted from the lack of sleep) was emotionally spent and aching. i literally felt sick to my stomach.

the dissonance began on the bus ride. i found that i couldn’t think. i couldn’t pray. i barely managed to carry on a conversation with philipson. i was void of the cognitive process, a state i haven’t found myself in often, yet can not seem to shake.

we stopped at the airport to drop off jenna. more goodbyes. you’d think i’d be a pro at this by now. we waited as ronald and philipson looked for a person (whom they didn’t know what she looked like, or her name) for about an hour. anne and i got off the bus to find a bathroom and hopefully seek out some last-minute, early-morning plantains.

we found a gas station with a small coffeehouse next door, and managed to use their bathroom. after ronald and philipson got back, the 4 of us scouted out street food. after deeming 8 am an inappropriate time for fish stew or rice and beans, anne and i settled on bananas and cokes; hey, we were starving at this point!

we made it to New Life Orphanage, the property on which the YWAM PaP base rents a house for its center. they are running Mission Adventures through here this summer, so it is sort of abuzz and chaotic. my plans to spend the day reflecting and journaling (which i desperately need to catch up on and document this past week and a half), were thwarted when they decided to go out to a tent community in Cite Soliel, one of the poorest parts of Port-au-Prince. Anne and i went along, (sidenote: we stopped at a gas station, and ben (different ben, here in PaP until tomorrow) asked if anyone could speak creole to the attendant. i told him i knew a little french, and he asked me to explain to him how much gas and change he wanted/needed in american, etc. without any thought i found myself speaking a perfectly crafted sentence, and translating his answer back to ben. great, my last day in haiti and i’m finally learning the language.)

in Cite Soliel, you can imagine . . . it was sunny and tres chaud! looking back, i perhaps shouldn’t have gone. i was not in the mood for people, heck i could barely handle myself. i found myself cringing as some of the half-naked children vied for my attention and tried to hold my hands. i prayed for brokenness as i saw the depths of poverty, the pits of hopelessness within the tents of that city. in my hour there, i was so sweaty; but i couldn’t even imagine how hot and frustrated the people that live there must be, at all times. i was so discouraged by how seemingly unchanged my heart was at the time, but looking back i think it was and is my general lack of processing that has prevented me from taking on any additional attachment or compassion. which i am not trying to excuse, only explain. i know its still wrong, and trust me, i prayed against it as much as i could manage, but you can not fill if you are not first filled yourself.

we got back for lunch and i laid down for a nap, which i wavered in and out of consciousness for a couple hours before waking in an even greater cloud than i had first been in. in a stupor of self-pity and mourning, i moped around until dinner, not really able to process the fact that i am leaving. this has been such a surreal day of mental limbo, one i can only equate to the drive back from arkansas in january in which i had no foot in either city; great grief in leaving, as well as returning.

during dinner, we come to find that philipson had not even left PaP, so we get to spend a little more time with him. overwhelmed by the influx of MA-ers that arrive for that evenings worship service, he and i decided to take a walk around the base to get away from the hustle and bustle. as i enter the worship service, i feel void of all ability to sing praise, so instead, i worship from outside of the chapel, on the step of a building directly across from the churches doors. i find peace in the solace of my last Haitian night-sky-scape, even though i feel distant from the presence of the Lord. how was i going to be able to do this, to say goodbye to a place and people i have come to just absolutely adore?

well, it came and it went with my goodbyes to philipson and mike (whom i also met in St. Marc; he went back to the states for a month before returning to haiti to work with mission adventures). as i bid them farewell, i quickly choked back my tears and ran inside, visibly wrenched from the heartache that goodbye’s elicit. i sat in bitterness towards the coming’s and going’s that have been friendships of the past 4 months, and shortly retired to bed for another sleepless night. between the bites of the mozzis, and tickle of the crawling ants, and the tossing, turning, and snoring that results from sharing a room with 5 people, i didn’t get much sleep. at all. i got up several times to reapply bug spray, and once to get my earplugs. even though my alarm was set for 6:30, i decided to get out of bed already when i couldn’t sleep past the sun anyways.

i know someday i'll be back here

i can't believe it. this is my last day in st. marc. 4 months has flown by in a mix of bittersweet emotion, stretching and growth. ask me for a summary statement, and i'd likely be speechless.

yesterday, i spent my last weekend in haiti at the beach in montrouis, perhaps the most serene place i've ever experienced. i've described it in posts past, but every time i find myself beneath the shade of a coconut palm, basking in the unforgiving haitian sun, or floating in the coolness of the caribbean, with its crackling coral audible beneath the water's surface, i am just amazed by His creative goodness and attention to detail.

i stood in the middle of sea, gawking aloud to myself over the beauty surrounding me. our God is infinitely creative. the aquamarine of the ocean, the jewel-tones of the flora and fauna. the passing clouds-- a metaphor of my life here in Haiti-- as they change shape and purpose and merge with others and become one. i declared God's goodness to man, our unworthiness of such a gift. and i stood there, praising God for the works that He has only begun to start in my life. that as i stood there in the caribbean, that my life would be changed forever, and i would continue to stand for Christ, no matter the cost. i declared His mercy and grace over our lives as we continually fall to sin and the way of the word, and i prayed for the endurance and strength to move beyond that. and even with my uncertainty of the next step, i know that home is where the heart is. and my heart is with God. and God is everywhere. i know that as i stood there in that heavenly paradise, that God stood with me. i let myself fall backwards into the sea, baptizing myself and rising as a proclamation to his faithfulness and my obedience.

as i come to the culmination of such a life-changing experience-- daunting at times, exhilarating at others-- i find myself reminiscing, and already longing for the relationships and memories i've made here. they have left footprints on my heart, infinitely more permanent than the ones we've left on the shores of Montrouis. i ask that God will continue to break my heart for this nation and these people. that He would continue to place them on my heart to pray for them and support them spiritually. that i would not only stay in contact from afar, but that He would bring me back to visit and share in the progress made in their lives and in this nation.

the last service at church was a hard one to have. i'm going to miss the contagious passion in Ben's worship. the excitement and God-centeredness as Philipson leads worship in creole. just taking a look around the arena, i've realized how normal, yet how abnormal, this life is. standing under what practically resembles a poll barn, with the rains dumping in heaps on the metal roof, standing with people from all over the world, worshipping in languages we may not understand, with the sun setting over the caribbean to our rear. as i asked the Lord if i should really leave all of this behind, i felt like He told me i am ready. i am equipped. such formidable words, that although reassuring, don't leave my heart any less heavy for this nation.

***

after service, bryan, valerie and i went down to "mama's" for some chicken and plantains. only in haiti could i sit in front of someone's meager house, with a few polls posting up a shanty roof over the doorway, as she fried chicken wings and plantain bananas on a charcoal cooking stove in her entryway. 100 gourdes for 8 wings and 5 plantains. Philipson met us down there, and we walked back to the base and all had our street-food dinner together. we talked for a while, with Michelot and Faince, whom was shocked to find out that i spoke french after all this time. he thought i was just saying bonswa and bonju to make passing conversation, while i secretly hoped it would invite more conversation than it had. lesson learned. (sidenote: whenever i speak french, and someone is shocked, the followup question is usually "tu es canadien?" which i humbly reply "non, je suis americanne, mais j'ai etudiee la a l'ecole pour trois ans." each time i am reminded that i am disappointed that A) i don't know as much french as i wished to have garnered by now, and B) my home-country really lags in the whole learning a second language thing.)

just spending the night in conversation made me realize how much i will truly miss the friends and relationships i've made here. the spiritual wisdom and guidance and support i receive from each of them is paramount to the growth i've been able to experience. my heart has been engraved by this nation. it has been transformed in this nation by the Lord. it has been made whole.

pardon my lack of blogging. i'll make up for it soon, i promise.

in the meantime, be praying for my re-entry. be praying for my heart. be praying for this glorious nation and these wonderful souls that have touched my own.

and praise God for His goodness and faithfulness and fullness of His love. O, how He loves us!

to do

my to-do list, for lack of any space on my hard drive, i am posting it here (and will cross them off as i finish . . . you know, it makes us list-makers actually feel accomplished!)

• order patés . . . 82 of them. take a haitian staff and 410 gourdes.
• finish testing. (one absentee to go, so its sort of a win).
• write up portfolio assessments.
• turn in my grades.
• finish Liberty Academy photo collage (if i can find it hiding on my computer), finish kindergarten class photo collage.
• take said photos, to a "photo place" here (if i can find one hiding in the city), and get a 16" x 20" print made of the school photos, and 11 8" x 10" of the class photos. (Well, i tried. my computer ate my photos and wouldn't let me edit them. and then shut down.)
• Go to Deli Mart for my last one-on-one with Sarah. (moved to Wednesday!)
• Bake 2 cakes, make homemade icing, and enough macaroni salad for 41 people.
• Pack up my classroom.

and that is just by monday.

tuesday:

• field day with the kids.
• pick up patés, macaroni salad, cakes and pudding, get utensils and plates, and set up food for lunch by 11.
• bake homemade cookies after school. at least 3 dozen. pray i have enough (and the right) ingredients. (woo-hoo! got the cookie dough made already tonight!)
• finish packing up classroom. because let's be real: you saw my monday's list, the classroom will not be finished by then.

and until my departure:

• wednesday morning: graduation rehearsal.
• wednesday night: graduation.
• thursday: likely more packing and cleaning.
• thursday night: women's small group - ice cream and a movie.
• friday night: birthday night, dress up. both are mandatory.
• saturday: farron's birthday, and kay foun's for dinner. i'm over kay foun's and i rarely enjoy the food more than the company.
• sunday: hopefully beach in montrouis. i would love to spend my last weekend on the shores of this nation. i'm not holding my breath.
• clean the house.
• sunday night: church. last service. lots of tears will be assumed.
• monday: tour around haiti. hopefully headed north to cap hatien. again, not holding my breath because we all know even managing to get to the market is a feat and a half.
• monday night: goodbyes and deli mart (it's usually a given). i don't think i can do this.
• tuesday morning. wow. tuesday morning. we leave saint marc, and head to port-au-prince. i'm even typing in disbelief right now.
• tuesday night: spend the night, in a tent, down by the-- rubble. bittersweet way to leave the country. on second thought, just plain miserable way to leave the country.
• wednesday morning: i'm leaving, on a jet plane.
• 6:55 wednesday night. arrive in Tampa (Lord willing!). cry with Christina. get an iphone 4. see my family. hickory hollow. i can't even contain my excitement!

it would do my heart no service to continue on with my plans for after that. but i will leave it at this: every moment from now into then is going to be jam-packed with busyness. i pray that the Lord will continue to bless my time here and pour into my heart. i pray that He allows me to get all this junk done so i can focus on the relationships i've made and enjoying my quickly-fleeting last moments here.

RIP Kenzi

maybe it's premature. but having to bid adieu to all my photos means one of two things: Kenzi (my Macbook) is either dying a slow death, or i'm going to usher in death early for losing my pictures.

either way, pray i get a job so i can get a new computer. ya'll know how much photos mean to me. everything from haiti is gone, not to mention, france, africa, and all my summers' of fun.

just another day in paradise.

every friday morning at intercession is prayer walk. this friday, we actually walked. (i think that was the first one we've walked since i've been here). our group walked two-by-two down to the park in the centre of saint-marc, praying for everything from the people, to the road construction, to civil-unrest due to world cup rivalries (don't hate, third-world loves their futbol almost as much as us americans love real football!). we spent time in the park declaring God's promises over haiti and worshiping Him. as we walked back, i continued to pray for the nation, but also for my return to my own nation. there is so much bittersweetness in my heart about my return, but i can equate it to the same bittersweetness i had about coming in the first place: i was eager to go, but so sad to leave. i think that says a lot about my heart, but that is an entire different post, so i digress. i felt like crying even as i praised God for His faithfulness and prayed and asked for patience during my re-entry and assimilation. i prayed against discouragement and the inability to communicate what i was feeling when i've returned. its so weird to me that i will go back and life will be just as i left it; although my life will hardly remain the same. so much has become normal here, or abnormal here, to me, but it's not going to make the same sense to anyone back home. this experience was so unique to me, and its hard not having someone back home that really shared in it. again, i digress.

during a morning hunt for a tv that works, a dvd player that has cords, and speakers that would actually play sound, i walked across the poo-field only to see that a bull had gotten in through our front gate and was being chased across campus by some of our haitian staff and volunteers. i chuckled as i thought to myself, of course. it's haiti.

after our last friday of classes (insert beaucoup d'excitement!), i made strawberry-banana smoothies (using strawberry juice of course, as fraises are not so commonly-- slash, ever-- found here) for anne, jenna and i and we sat talking and laughing at ourselves eating lollipops and our time here in haiti.

jenna and i started working on tearing down the classroom, taking things off the wall, boxing up some of the books and random curriculum guides. everything was covered in dirt and dust, included us (which we were also drenched in sweat). there were so many things i started but never got to finish with the kids, its a real shame, but c'est la vie en ayati. as we went through throwing stuff away and filing things for next year, we laughed at how ghetto our classroom is, as we made sure to leave the boxes in places the rains wouldn't get to. only here.

after a (nother) failed attempt at going to both La Gonave, the island and Goyavier, the mountain, we found ourself pretty bored trying to find something to do after dinner. i had a lengthy and pretty good convo with philipson about the country and my time here, and then i showered, talked to a few of the haitian staff/dts/volunteers, and came home to look for jobs (again, sigh). after the electric went out around 11, anne came in and said they were going to sleep outside under these mini-mosquito nets and the haitian sky. done and done. we got all set up and laid down and ...

it was magnificent. looking at the beauty that is the night sky, my heart couldn't help but sing "Your love is extravagant." that sky is a testament to just how much He loves us. and as if we didn't get the point, He threw in a shooting star to ice the cake.

sleeping outdoors i learned a few things. depth perception is limited in darkness (read: that cockroach is actually on the outside of the mosquito net and there's no need to ninja your way out of it in a fury). the city does not sleep. drums, bass, you name it: it only gets louder after midnight. the roosters play a mad game of marco-polo . . . all. night. long. rooster 1: cock-a-doodle-dooo. rooster 1's posse: cock-a-doodle dooooooo. rinse and repeat. until 7 am. the sun rises around 5, so just before dawn, somewhere in the 4 o'clock hour, the mosquitos are the worst. although (and thankfully) i did not get bit, the eery sound of the (now)sleeping city was masked by the choir-like hum of the mosquito entourage that had settled upon the land. laying there as the city started to wake again (after only a few hours), i heard the faint honking of horns and the rumble of moto's as the day started around 6:30 for many of the citizens (to do what, i'm not quite sure). also, i used a blanket. oh yeah, you read that correctly. instead of the near-90 temps that it stays inside, it probably dipped to the low of 82 last night. brrrrr!

i'll admit, it wasn't my best night sleep here, and i'm not even sure how much sleep i got; but it was just another night beneath His love and in His arms. and i am blessed.

more times like these

everything is an adventure here in haiti. anne-ruth, anne, joshua, ben and i get ready to head out to deli-mart on wednesday for another mid-week trip (i secretly went with lisa, bryan and philipson the day prior for a late lunch/early dinner and good conversation!); only this one was marred by a few sprinkles in the already-darkened sky. by the time we got to the gate, and jesse jumped in back with the boys, it was turning into a downpour.

had to get gas; whoops, no gas when it rains. couldn't take that road, they closed it for construction. by the time we pull in, ben's shirt is literally so drenched that you could take it and ring it out, as he did in epi d'or. good times and good convos, as usual.

driving back, we turn the corner onto maurepas and the most magnificent display of lighting spans across the sky right in front of us, illuminating everything with an iridescent purple glow. we hear the boys, still drenched in the back "ooh" and "ahh" and i chuckle as i watch each mangey dog and random goat get out of the way as anne-ruth tears through. its so odd to me that this is life here, but it also just seems too perfect.

times like these

after a lengthy and trés chaud saturday, in which we spent mourning the lost trip to goyavier and trying to find the USA/England game on Haitian television (HA!), anne-ruth, amalia, dave, joshua, ben and i hopped in the teecan shortly after 5 with some MRE's and a guitar and headed to hike the fort and watch the sunset over the caribbean. can we say, this is real life!?

the steep and rocky terrain reminded me how out of shape i've gotten here, and increased my eagerness to get back into a healthy workout routine once i land on US soil (and have air-conditioned gyms). as we crested the mountain to the old spanish fort, we watched as the sunset behind the clouds on the caribbean to the west, and as the storm clouds rolled in with lightning en tote over the mountains to the east. being smack-dab between two ironically different forms of beauty was breath-taking. being there with some of the greatest people i've ever met just completed the moment.

i love this country and the friends that i've had the pleasure to get to know here.

sunday morning, anne-ruth, amalia, dave, stacia, anne, jenna, jesse, and i all hopped in the teecan, this time headed south to the beach in montrouis, following ben and joshua as they hit the open highway on the motorbikes. there's a place in the road where the gravel turns to asphalt, the scenery from dry and rough mountainous terrain, to lush and green banana tree valleys-- all right around one bend. it was at this point i realized just how very very much i love where i am at and how much i am going to miss it. the beauty, the country, the people, the adventure, the air-conditioning in the teecan (so amalia and i always call shotty!). everything about that moment was picture-perfect and right. except for the fact i forgot to put the card back in my camera. whoops.

there is something so special to me when we pull off national one to the side roads of montrouis. maybe it is because the foliage turns to coconut palms and banana trees. maybe its the luxorious homes that remind me of 50s florida architecture. maybe it was the rose-colored glasses i was wearing and the people i'm always with. regardless, its magnificent in all of its beauty.

the panoramic of the beach at the life connection mission can be summed up in one word:

heavenly. rock jetties jaunt out into the ocean to your right and left. the seawall is palm lined, and a giant mango tree provides shade and is surrounded by a round, concrete counter space for entertaining. if you go out into the ocean (and beware of sea urchins!), the mountainous horizon to the south emerges from behind the tree-line. the grass is green and lush (like, yet so unlike, our poo-field here), and the aquamarine clarity of the caribbean is more than inviting; perhaps seductive even. jack johnson playing over the speaker.

shortly after spending some time playing cards, laying out, and ya know, just hanging out in the caribbean, mike brought a group up from port-au-prince to spend the day with us! glorious! mike, amy, ethan, kyle, and amanda have all done their time in st. marc (the latter only for a night), before heading down to PaP to work with Mission Adventures, a short-term leg of missions working with YWAM. its so unique getting to see people that have come, gone, and come back again during my time here. i sat on the shore, letting the waves softly crash at my feet as i used the rocky sand to exfoliate. listening to jake ousley now, i softly sang the words to myself: "it's times like these that make you slow to a creep, that make you wanna dig in deep, real deep. it's times like these that make you wanna believe that they'll be more times like these." amen, and amen, brother.

for lunch, a group of us headed up to the market in montrouis to purchase food and drinks from some of the vendors and peddlers there. i spent 15 gourdes on 2 perfectly ripened avocados, 10 gourdes on two fried plantains, and another 10 gourdes on two paté chaud, fried dough with an onion-and-picklies mix in the center (although many of them are also cooked with salami, chopped up hot dogs, or even fish in the middle. nevermind the time i pulled out a piece of chewy something that share an eerie resemblance to a dogs ear.). we bought some drinks and fresh-baked bread and headed back for our beachfront picnic under another stone cabana area. i even ate one of my avocados right there using someone's pocket knife as a fork. yum!

the beach was a blessing to my soul. even for a weekend when plans didn't work out quite right, they worked out best, and all in His timing.

***

after church, a large group of us decided to go to deli mart, at random. it was fantastic let me tell you! i spent most of my time talking with some of the newer, shorter-term volunteers and YWAMer's and the Haitian DTS students. i have loved getting to know these young men; just seeing their joy and excitement for life, even in the midst of long days of work-duty on base, has really inspired me and given me hope for this nation. i've been so eager to get to know them since i got here, anxiously practicing my heinous french on them at any opportunity (because i feel far less judged by people younger than me for some reason!). sitting with them at deli mart, we talked about me leaving soon and owen, always so melodramatic!, says he's going to cry when i leave. i didn't say it, but i know i will too.

to think, 4 months ago, haiti was a bleak spot on my radar. but this time here has been such a blessing to my soul. even for a season when plans didnt work out quite right, they worked out best. and all in His timing.

i do it every night. i check the weather forecast before bed.

i don't know why i do it. it's not like it changes. high of 37 (thats 99 for us Americans), low of 27 (thats way too hot for a low-- around 81); 40% chance of rain. heat index is always near 115. if it's going to actually rain, the wind changes around dinner; you can't just judge by what you see over the mountains. it rarely makes it to the coast. if there is one thing predictable here, it's the weather. all you need to know is it's going to be hot.

if i could only check the electric forecast; now that would be a little more telling.

banana et mango

for this is the day the Lord has made; rejoice and be glad in it!

this morning we had a fun day with the kids (which honestly was a real fun day for the teachers!) and the A&E team from Kona helped organize games and activities to participate in. after the disco and a fun, yet complicated game of something like swab the deck, i realized i really should be photographing this.

and then i remembered: how much i love taking pictures.

i've gotten a little lax on it here, and that has hurt my heart now that i've realized it! with a mere 19 days until departure, it's time to step up my game. i also had a genius idea, which i plan on keeping under wraps, but i will give a bit of a sneak-peek of what i captured today.

the kids had an absolute blast playing games with erin, and listening to robbie sing his catchy creole "banane-nane et mango" song. in fact, my little ones even organized a small circle game, on their own nonetheless!, and i managed to snap a lovely photo of the whole group. i was really blessed by the free-ness of this morning.

the afternoon/evening portion was a bit frustrating; trying to organize an overnight hiking trip up the mountain to Goyavier (6 miles each way!), which i just found out we aren't allowed to go. i am craving a bit of nature, and need to get out of these gates. i'm feeling confined. taking it in stride, and knowing it's only 19 days until i'm once again responsible for myself.

i hope someday i'm back here.

i'm sweaty. dirty. and i smell bad. but our God is the God of the impossible and He reigns! The bittersweetness is starting to set in; three weeks left in Haiti and God is far from done working in my heart and with this kiddos.

i wrote that this afternoon after feeling just an abundance of His blessing the past few days. (see previous posts). In an effort to quantify His blessings and teachings, i will reflect on a few sweet, revelatory (wow! that is a word!) moments from today:

i woke up this morning awake and energized. and on time. at intercession this morning we were to pair with a person whom we've never met. and i walked up to sweet, sweet Maria from the El Paso/Juarez team. without knowing a thing about her, i began to pray authoritatively over her. i couldn't even believe the clarity in my own prayers; something that for the past couple weeks i've found a real challenge in praying through my own confusion. this sweet woman received my prayers, and continued on praying for me . . . in spanish. i was just touched by God's heart even though i could only understand every fifth word or so. there's something so strong to me in the agreement of prayers that bridge barriers such as language.

upon getting to school after intercession, philipson walks by sharing that he just received an email from the US Embassy granting him an emergency visa appointment . . . tomorrow, at 7 am. PRAISE GOD. a little background: after praying about it, he feels led to do a secondary school (YWAM thing) in Kona. Philipson is such a wonderful man of God and has SUCH an anointing on his life for this country, like serious ya'll. he is going to lead this country in such powerful ways, and for the Lord! i digress; to go to Kona, he needs a visa. that takes months. he plans on leaving july 8th. last night in the prayer room, we stopped worship to pray for him over this, and BAM! granted. in less than 24 hours!!! Praise God; He is the God of the impossible!

i've also been experiencing a bit of negativity around me through someone who does not have the authorization to even bring that with them, but that has sort of brought discouragement upon me regarding my classroom. but today, all of that melted away and i realized the truth of just how very far my kinders have come. i am so proud of these kids. the fact that they can decode words. put words into sentences as they explain what the word means in English. typically, i plan for the day and have plenty of things left over that we just did not have the time today. today was not one of those days. we progressed through our bible, calendar, phonics, math, science, craft and literature time so smoothly and with such finesse that we actually had time left over. in that spare time, we began spelling words generated by the kids! amen! stacia came in at the MOST appropriate time, and the kids retold the Very Hungry Caterpillar story that i had been teaching thematically. they explained to her the life cycle of a caterpillar. they recalled the things we did in class that day, in order. i sat there, so blessed by their eager spirits as they raised their hands and waited patiently to be called on. just typing that makes me want to cry; i don't think you realize the victory that is. in the states, i would be looked down on for them not having accomplished that by day 2 of kindergarten. but here, i see how far they have come and i am so blessed. stacia just looked at me and said, "i love you," in regards to their alacrity and ability. encouraged!

after school, i walked up to lunch just feeling so blessed and encouraged. i couldn't help but let my joy exude from every pore as i practically floated into the cafeteria. ya'll could totally smell the Lord on me. in a good way. not a funky, i-smell-like-haiti way; and ohhhh, yes. that is a smell, too. and, we had leftover potato salad. its the small things, ya'll!

we had our teacher meeting which, to be honest, was sort of a damper on the day. at least it started off that way. but afterwards, sarah asked us to pray with her over a new opportunity for her. she's been asked to step into a teaching position with the DTS, which would require her to leave her position with Liberty Academy. as we prayed for her, i just really felt the Lord's presence speak truth and encouragement over her. from my own lips, prayers were spoken that i didn't even know how to pray. again, i just felt such an authority and clarity in my prayer language, and it was so so delightful. (note: i am not claiming i pray well. i'm stating simply that when letting the spirit lead, He can declare pretty amazing things through me that i could never articulate in my own flesh.)

afterwards, i came home and sat down with my lovely roommate, anne, and talked about some of the frustrations and negativity i had been around that was causing me to become discouraged. if you knew anne, you would know this: she is one the most down-to-earth, sweet, kind-spirited women you've ever met! in the middle of our discussion, she says, "ya know, let's just pray about this. right now." and we did. and i felt so encouraged just by the reminder that we always have prayer. and God hears and answers our prayers. i seriously have been so blessed by having her as a roommate. to get to know someone so different from me and to become so close and feel so encouraged by the light spirit she just brings to my household here! love her!

on my way to dinner, i was stopped by one of the guys on the arts and entertainment team from Kona that has been helping out bi-weekly (every two weeks, right cara?!) with the school kids, and he just spoke sweet encouragement to me, over me being here as a teacher and diving into what God had even though it wasn't what i had planned. even just in the short exchange and first formal meeting, i left feeling blessed and encouraged. and i've realized, that is how people should part from each other. mental note on that.

after dinner, i had an uncommon wave of motivation and decided to go for a run. yes, a RUN! in HAITI! in the HEAT!!! i invited jenna and laced up my tennies and we were off! it was such a blessed time just spent making 9 laps around the base, feeling the caribbean breeze on our face as we prayed for rain to dump on us (it never did).

after a quick stretch and shower, i showed up to worship in the prayer room, on island time. we spent an hour blessing the heart of God with praise, learning verses in spanish, haitian worship songs, dance, and even clapping. as i was laying there, soaking up the presence of the Lord (in between the dancing and clapping, of course), i just felt the warmth of knowing i was exactly where he created me to be in this moment. i had been sort of hung up on a few things i've been missing out on in nashville, but right there i realized, i'm not missing out. this is it. ahh, goodness.

leaving with sarah, we both had been blessed by the worship. i mentioned craving ice cream, and in an unlikely turn of events, we were able to assemble a team with ease to head out to ginou for some chocolate soft-serve. amazing how choco fro yo can bless your soul, too.

***

today was a full day, indeed. full of encouragement, prayer, blessing, and refreshment from the Lord. it happened tonight. that moment in which the eagerness turned to bittersweetness as i prepare to leave. the realization of how much i have grown and changed and developed in the Lord, and how these people have come to be more than people, but my family. that this has come to be more than a base, but it has been my home. that these aren't just haitian students, they are my students.

so yeah, i'm sweaty. dirty. and i smell bad. but our God is the God of the impossible and He reigns! i have just three weeks left in Haiti and God is far from done.

blessed.

i wish i could express the encouragement and blessing that was today in words. i will fail abysmally, but i will try nonetheless.

no, actually i wont. even just in sitting down to write about the beauty of today, i can't. so i will leave you with this, a summary statement i just typed to Shelley:

I'm really feeling SO blessed in the spirit, God is still moving so much in my life and heart here. The bittersweetness is starting to set in majorly. I was SO ready to come home, yesterday even. And now I'm just feeling so blessed that I know I am going to miss this place and people and experience.

goodnight. yes. yes, it was.

a caribbean sunset brushed by the hand of God

free refills

so let me just share a tid-bit of what God is still doing in my life:

after being pretty sick last week with stomach issues, i went to the clinic held by our wonderful US military and got a prescription filled for cipro and flagel, both to treat what they suspected to be a GI infection. fun! after taking the first dose on friday morning, i got really sick and wound up spending the latter half of the morning and early afternoon on the couch re-cooping. praise the Lord that the medicine did not continue to make me sick; rather, has finally put me back at optimal health, even though i misread the label, and have only been taking half of my recommended dose of the flagel (2 tablets, 3x daily!).

sunday, we spent a wonderful day at the beach, relaxing in the beauty of what God has created in Montrouis. at church that evening, i totally began to feel a fresh renewal of God’s presence in my heart. the message spoke so strongly to me, about having faith because God is God, and having hope because there is prayer. the speaker told an allegory of islands off the coast of Scotland, called the Hebrides. drunkeness and spiritual apathy ruled everyday life here. two elderly women prayed fervently for revival, to see young people in church, and for the people to turn their hearts to God. after many years of prayer, the island was radically transformed through revival (google this story, or find it on cbn.com). all because of the faith and prayer of two women.

i was immediately encouraged by this story, and also likened myself and Christina to these two women. i knew immediately that i had to share this with her, and commit to prayer for hope in her life, and ask her to partner with me for the same within mine. i am so blessed by her friendship, in addition to the others i am so blessed to call mes amis. but there is something so powerful, so edifying in friendships that are committed to the sole purpose of glorifying the Father.

at the end of the service, the speaker asked us to pray with the mothers and grandmothers surrounding us; it will be their prayers that will change this nation. separated by language, i prayed for the woman in front of me, laying my hands on her and lifting her life up to the Lord. not knowing her or her needs, i just allowed the spirit to lead my prayers and really could sense God's presence so near. after several minutes of prayer, the woman, noticeably crying, fell to her knees before the Lord. the speaker asked if anyone would like to accept Christ, and this woman raised her hand! my heart was SO overjoyed standing there, praying with her and knowing that God was working in her heart! she got up and went to sit on one of the bleachers with her children and i just watch her wipe the tears with a joyful expression as she prayed. after the service, she got up and came over to hug me. haitians never initiate this (unless they are the child). we exchanged God bless you's in creole, and each went on our way. i was so blessed by even playing an unseen, background part of this woman's story through my prayer in the moment. God is so good!

Monday was my morning to lead circle time with the kids, and going to bed on sunday, i still had no idea what i was going to do. fortunately, the Lord did. i woke up and knew what game i was going to play (the one where you stand in a close circle, grab each others' hands, and have to untangle the mess that you've made!) and what scripture i was going to talk about (romans 12, rejoicing with those that rejoice; weeping with those that weep). for not having been prepared, the Holy Spirit sure filled me with joy and enthusiasm as i led off with the tooty-ta and the game, and even gave me the words to share when talking about working together with our brother or sisters to work for the better good of the body (as illustrated in the game). i didn't feel like the two tied together as neatly as i would've liked, but sarah gave me encouraging feedback at our one-on-one that let me believe that God accomplished what He wanted to through my words.

but the real treat was yesterday. lacking personal space, privacy, and even really the opportunity to speak prayers out loud in no one's presence but the Lord, i slipped away to the prayer room in the afternoon. armed with my Bible, a prayer list and my journal, i sat before God and poured out my petitions to Him. even just in allowing the Spirit to lead my prayers, I felt like transformation and redemption was being spoken over a friend. i jotted this down as i kept praying. still more, it was being revealed that this time in her life is about remembering the Lord is provisional and faithful.

bathing another friend in prayer, i asked God to show me His heart for them. the Spirit led me to two separate verses: one exact one i had already given them nearly a year ago, and another that was meant to encourage. although it was for them, i am so blessed by the encouragement that it imparted to me, reminding me to remain hopeful and confident in the Lord.

after praying for the things and people on my list, and finishing with prayer over my transition back to the states and a job opportunity, i left at exactly 3 ... only to come home and find an email written at 2:50 (which would have been practically to the minute of when i was praying for a job) from a principal i had emailed my resume to! after applying to 45+ positions and having had no feedback as of yet, this brought so much encouragement to my life, and reminded me just how important and powerful prayer is!! i found out later that christina had been praying for me in those moments too! God is too good, and look at the glory it brings Him!

i had so many life-breathing conversations yesterday, especially with Christina. the encouragement, hope, and even the challenge that we offer each other is paramount only to Christ's truth and love.

last night, i spent another hour and a half in the prayer room just soaking in the presence of the Lord through worship. learning that i'm able to worship through writing has been so instrumental here. the last 20-or-so minutes i just copied verse after verse from Romans 15 and soaking up the rich goodness in those words. coming home and speaking to Christina just after reading them, i was able to offer scripture as an immediate remedy to her achy heart. the scripture that God gave me, Romans 15:13, is a reminder of our hope and confidence in Him. further, 15:1-5 talk about how the scriptures are written to bring us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled! even the scriptures say that that is what they are for!!! I love the Lord and His word seriously fills me-- better than mountain dew slurpees. and with free refills.