funday sunday = no fun monday

oh you know, the usual sunday.

beach. sun. friends.

hot shower, a/c, a professional massage and lavender-scented skin.

just another day in Haiti. thankful to be blessed enough to treat myself to the above at Mulin Sur Mer, one of the beach resorts here (side-note: you have to pay to go to any of the beaches here. This one is well-kept, trash-free, and provides chairs, chaises and mats, not to mention has amenities such as restrooms, bar/restau, and pool).

blessed.

ps. one month from today! :)

august 14. zumba instructor training. in nashville. done and done. who's with me?

i've applied to over 30 positions in the greater nashville area... be praying for favor with me!

also, pray for favor for this next weekend: anne-ruth, amalia and i are trying to plan a trip to the dominican, more specifically to monte cristi, a town on the northern coast-- about 30 miles from the haitian border. pray for guidance and favor with how to get there... ! i would be going to visit jodi, a fabulous woman whom i've met through a friend, who has been teaching this semester in the DR! we have yet to connect and we've been trying to get across to each other's sides of the island for some time now, and this will be her last weekend in the DR! i'm so excited at the possibility of going, but doing anything in Haiti (i've learned) takes lots of time and patience. and usually a few extra days. so pray with us that it falls together! :)

also, in random news, it happened today. you know, that moment when you realize you have totally said something in another language, but you don't even realize that it was in another language. when it came so natural, you didn't even have to consider it. pas neccessaire. that simple, small phrase (one i've never even used) totally escaped my lips today at deli-mart to the man bagging my groceries. i was silently elated once i realized what had happened. little victories :)

il est minuit, et je me vais revieller a six heure exactement pour cuisiner pour tout le monde ici!

bonne nuit!

dreaming in faith

so in reading my book, what happens when women walk in faith by lysa terkeurst, she challenges women to leave their past and old identity, to walk in obedience with the Lord, towards the realization of their God-given dreams. and i'm feeling challenged reading this (which is what books should do). i've read it (well, most of it) before, and i feel as if much of where i am at shows semblance to the first 4 of 5 stages (we'll get into all of that at a later, more profound date). but my big hang-up is what is my dream? i feel like my goals, my purpose, my dream changes as often as my tummy issues here in haiti.

my ultimate dream is becoming a wife and mother, and raising a Godly family; with a gorgeous kitchen for entertaining and being generous with my hospitality. but what other dreams reside in me? what have i heard from God on?

well, for starters, i guess another ultimate purpose (or dream, or whatev you wanna deem it), would be teacher training and resource summer workshops with untrained teachers in developing nations. but i feel like that is still a long way off from realization, which is okay with me. and i definitely feel like my experience in haiti has helped hone in on that vision and give its fleshless structure bones.

other days, my smaller dreams are a little more radical. designing and making clothes and shoes a la anthropologie-style. becoming zumba-certified and teaching zumba fitness classes. writing a devotional a la beth moore style. creating, photographing and publishing a cookbook a la martha stewart. following humanitarian photography a la j. cowart style.

not to mention, actually getting a job teaching, you know, using that $25,000 piece of paper i've got saved as a PDF on my adequate, yet slowly dying macbook.

but, who has time for all that, AND being a wife and mother?! who has a threshold to do ALL of that? infinite finances? the ability to go for weeks without a wink of sleep? the patience and balance to do all of those seemingly different and difficult tasks, at once? or even in one life!?

and where in that is truth and reality, and where is satan's lies and discouragement to keep me from attaining my dreams and giving God the glory?

afterall, anthro is so refined and tres chic. i could never produce their quality and their unique look, on my singer, at home. teach fitness class? i can barely run a mile. not to mention, i've consumed brownies, potatoes, and a coke today. sounds inspiring to me. beth moore?! she's like one step below Jesus, just above the Pope and Billy Graham. and who am i, with what insight and what diligence to write a devo? i can't even finish one i'm reading. a cookbook? i messed up plain pasta and boxed brownies. and lets not even compare me with J. Cowart. that's like seeing a garageband hit as number one on itunes.

does choosing a dream require more attention than choosing a major? i thought that was the hardest thing i would have to do and live with. and who says you have to just choose one?

and now, i'm in Haiti. teaching kindergarten. for free, for the Lord. was this a fulfillment of a dream? absolutely. three of them actually: becoming a missionary. living abroad. being a teacher. but rather than a simple checkmark on a list of things to do (or three, thank-you), its about fulfilling a calling, for this season. For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable (Romans 11:29).

and where in these dreams, callings, whatever have you-- where do i find if they are God-given, or self-seeking? if i give God the glory, does that mean they are okay to pursue? is it foolish to want to sew joyfully for hours? to create a custom cookbook in my own kitchen, covered in flour and sugar ants and is visibly lived in? what if my talents could really be used to bless others? is that when i can chase them down?

what are your dreams? your passions? your callings? i'd love to hear some of them, especially the more obscure ones! :)

for drizzle.

(yes, i did make a poor reference to snoop dogg. get over it.)

since i've finally 'fessed up to myself over my newfound homebodyism, i had such a magnificent morning. i would equate it to one of those rainy early-spring days spent in your favorite jeans and scarf and boots, sipping a latte and people watching at starbucks. that is, if i actually drank coffee or went to starbucks and knew what that was like. but i'm going to assume it holds a similar feeling.

i awoke to yet another overcast sky-- i could get used to this rainy season. the heavens released a slow drizzle that made a comforting pitter-pat on our tin roofs and didn't cause one of those flash floods or muddy messes that the heavy rains bring. it was even light enough to walk through and not dread, rather feel refreshed as the miniscule drops lightly kissed your face. i was able to sleep in until 8, which was rather nice, and i love how i have come to considered 8 am sleeping in. i guess i've become a real grown up here.

i went down to the school and began blogging and working on uploading photos from the last month and a half. it seriously was just a lovely time.

after cooking myself a delightful lunch of garlic roasted potato wedges, i grabbed a coke, chatted joyfully with my roommates, and have now curled up on the couch with my Bible, a new book, and jake ousley singing me home on itunes. life is good.

i've realized the pointlessness to this blog. in that case, consider it over.

closet introvert

i would normally consider myself an extrovert. ask any of the people i've met over my first few months here in haiti, and they'll tell you about my long nights, never quick to retire to bed out of fear of missing out on something. but this past week, myself would beg to differ ... i mean, i that was okay for me to argue with me.

yesterday, we took a staff beach trip to Mulin, a much smaller and more private resort than the internationally-acclaimed club indigo. leaving the base around 12:45, we made the thirty-minute trip south in our a/c bus (a nice refuge from the heat). even in the bus i felt just a need to be alone, and took to listening to jon mclaughlin on my ipod for the duration. it wasn't a bad need to be alone, it was a content time spent by myself.

i set up my lawn chair beneath the overcast, and quite-chilly-for-haiti, sky. beyond the crashing waves, beyond the roped swimming area, was the island-- la gonave. and further still, yet astonishingly visible, the southern arm of haiti was a faint silhouette in the distance. i spent a majority of my time finishing bergdorf blondes on audio-book (i.e. the book i started on tape in january. re: my first blog, not haiti). for as depressing as it began, it actually wound up being a delightful story; one of those you-know-you-are-nothing-like-the-characters-but-you-secretly-envy-their-crazy-high-maintenance-park-ave.-princess-lifestyle types. in a slightly more moral and less needy way.

i dozed off for a good portion of the book and had to rewind through it, but it didn't matter. i had all the time in the world and nothing to do with it. its nice, but often unfamiliar to feel that way. i watched as the waves rushed up the shoreline, losing momentum, but reaching to see just how far it could get before being drawn back to ocean, overcome by another way hoping to outrun its predecessor, too.

after lounging contently for 4 hours (which i would typically be stir crazy after so long!), i decided to walk around and take some photos of the beauty that is the haitian coastline. i sat on the jetty and watched the waves wash over the rocks at the point, crashing and splashing and then falling carelessly back to the sea.

i kept my silence all afternoon, the way a nun in a convent would. it was more of a cognizant choice; a way of life, rather than an expectation. i guess it could be comparable to people watching at the airport. there are tons of people around, none of which you talk to, but you could always. (airport convo's tend to be the best anyway!) {tangent: i love sitting in airports, alone, reflecting. i think it is often the most thought-provoking reflection time for me.} i began to realize how my personality pendulum was in full swing to introvert, in the most content way. i can't stress how much joy i have even found in acceptance of this week, in true bi-polar fashion, i actually enjoy silence. odd, i know. especially for one as wordy as i "tend" to be.

sitting there on the jetty, i pondered life's great metaphors. the waters were roped off to protect beach-go'ers from the currents and jagged coral shore. but how would you ever see the coral if you never ventured past the ropes? the white rocks beneath my feet were of all different sizes, each smoothed by the tousle of the sea. i wondered, were they all the same size once? but the weathering of the sea overtime had made some small. these small ones hurt the most as i walked across the jetty. the larger ones, still sea-smoothed, too, offered more support and less poking on the feet. i want to be a big stone, i thought. one that people can stand on for support; one that people can walk across without feeling like broken glass. but does that come from less time out in the sea? where is the sea, anyway? do my metaphors even make sense?

i made my way back to shore just in time for dinner. i didn't talk much at dinner, but not because i didn't want to. i was so very content sitting there, taking in the conversation and details of the moment. i slipped away a few times to photograph the magnificent sunset and the shoreline silhouettes left behind in its path.

i am constantly awestruck by the details God paints into the sky-- stars, the moon, rainbows, and especially sunset. its like a pack of mnm's have been left in the heat for too long, and all the colors melt together in this magnificent display of unintentional, yet intentioned beauty. with each setting sun, i can not fathom one more beautiful, one more delicately cast on the horizon by God, than the one i am witnessing in that moment. but each time, the Lord continues to show off, and captivates me into oblivion with His creative hand.

i sat at the table and watched as the sea, island, and sky became indistinguishable as they melded together into a beautiful, black abyss. i've never been struck by such beauty in darkness. i watched the families, the laughter, the genuine joy take place around me. and i sat there, satisfied. not with dinner (especially after the fiasco that was my "club sandwich"). not with company, even though they were magnificent too. not even with myself. i sat, just satisfied in the beauty of life that surrounds me, that is within me.

***

circles

"what would i do if you never came here?"

but i was always coming here. i thought about one of my favorite Sufi poems, which says that God long ago drew a circle in the and exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. i was never not coming here. this was never not going to happen.

--eat pray love, elizabeth gilbert

as i read this from the shores of the beach below the fort, i felt as if one of the crashing waves consumed me; both violent and refreshing as it overcame me and i swallowed the salt of those words.

God knew i would be right there, in that moment, under that sun. he numbered the grains of sand beneath my pink sarong, and drew a circle around me, as i basked in that very spot. i was never not coming here. all of this was never not going to happen.

as i half-absorbed, half-relished in that thought, i was reminded of how enormous God is. yet, in the same ambivalent breath, how attuned to the minute details that compose our lives. for whatever reason, whatever purpose, God brought me to Haiti, to live for four months, in a community of His followers. as people are fully involved in earthquake relief, prison and brothel ministry (10 of the prostitutes left the brothel today to return home! PRAISE GOD!), or in discipling the many tent communities in the area, i often feel as if what i am doing is not having such a significant impact on the community, both presently or eternally.

but the Lord of lords, our living God, disagrees. i came, as an act of obedience. i came to sacrifice, to serve, to glorify Him. and out of His strength and joy, i am fulfilling His call on my life. and even if another soul is not touched by my work, He has greatly stirred mine. and that my friends, is far beyond significant. that is magnificent.

look at the ground around you. find your circle. God knew it, he drew it.

the swing

the magnificent sky beneath which i swing

***

to and fro;

push,

pull.

point.

flex.

extend;

pull in.

my legs reach higher, higher still

pointing towards the heavens.

with each heave-- ho

i work and work and work to no avail.

my legs ache--

if i could only work a little bit harder

i'd get there. i'd get there alright.

but i don't. i've forgotten how to swing.

suddenly, care(ful)less(ly)

i lean back

my torso like an eagle

diving to the ground,

swooping in to pick its prey

and airborne again, in an instant.

i soar with ease--

once i stop

work, work, working.

i grip tightly as i fly forward.

my pointed pieds lead,

heaven-bound.